I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
🙋♀️
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I put the h in mysterious.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing