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FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
A tragic love story in two pictures.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*