When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
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Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular