Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
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[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
When I laugh on my period
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect