Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
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me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
jesus, what did this guy do
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
THIS HEADLINE
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one