therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
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When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again