I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
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Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion