I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
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[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
WHY?!
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
😂😂
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Big Sex has us all fooled
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.