I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
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What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
6: are snakes just neck?
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.