People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
You Might Also Like
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
HERE’S MARKY
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I know karate and tons of other words.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.