Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
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Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
“you recording!?”
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.