STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
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Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
If snakes were wide
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
It’s the weekend y’all
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body