my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
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Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed