My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
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*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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4.
5.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter