me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
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I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
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