When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
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Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Poetry is my passion
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*