You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
You Might Also Like
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel