I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
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Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.