When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
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New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.