Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
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Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo