“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
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[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!