Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
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I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.