You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
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Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee