me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
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A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do