Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
You Might Also Like
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
he looks great for his age
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”