No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
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People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Go hard or stay average
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit