‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
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Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one