COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
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Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
You’ll be OK
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No