*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
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How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
What?!?
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.