Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
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[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Lube but for my dry humor.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.