We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
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So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
#JohnTravolta
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.