Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
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[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?