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Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.