THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
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My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar