Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
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Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.