I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
You Might Also Like
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!