therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
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So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
This meeting could have been a cake
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Great game to play with friends
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.