Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
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Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.