I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
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I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey