[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
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Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.