Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
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To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
❤️❤️❤️
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie