wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
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Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Stop sending me this shit.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever