During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
You Might Also Like
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
It do be feeling this way.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.