Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
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Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
podcasts
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Geez man, take it easy.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face