I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
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Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Me buying fruit and veg
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.