Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
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One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”