Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
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Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.