If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
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Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.