How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
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GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell