Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
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Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home